*all columns can be found here


The Health Report: Bird Flu "A North Korean Hoax," Says Cabinet

Nov 3 2005 by Kelly Mahan Jaramillo
 
The Weapons of Mass Euphoria held an emergency press conference yesterday, with Chief Resident Dr. Eudaimonia and Cabinet members Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice, Mike Leavitt and last minute I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby replacement Michael "Cherty" Chertoff.

 "There is no Avian Influenza, plain and simple," Dr Eudaimonia stated. "North Korea's Chief of State Kim Jong-Il and Premier Pak Pong Ju thought it would be a fun prank to poison a few chickens and blame it on China. Americans, this is the same man who declared to the Washington Post that President Bush was a dictator. Nobody in this administration takes this man seriously. This is another one of his insane jokes that only HE finds funny."

 DHHS Secretary Mike Leavitt stepped up to the microphone, clearing his throat. "I want to reassure my fellow Americans by dispelling the rumors that have been swirling around Kim Jong "Kimmy" Il's immature and silly antics. There is NO bird flu, there is NO shortage of the flu medication TAMIFLU®, nor has pharmaceutical company Roche stopped shipping TAMIFLU to the United States and other countries. 1st Lieutenant L.L.Beancounter reports that our latest shipment of 58 million dollars of TAMIFLU has just arrived at Fort McNair. And that amount is just for the troops! We have another huge shipment on its way for the rest of the population, which should make Rummy very happy. Frankly, I don't agree with the fact that he has made over a million dollars on this 'bird pandemic' rumor, so I urge - "

 "Hey!" Rumsfeld interrupted. "It's my job to take every threat seriously, and we didn't know it was Kim Jong Il screwing with China until this morning."

 "Nevertheless," Leavitt continued, glaring at Rumsfeld, "I insist Americans stop panicking and stop taking unnecessary medications."

 "TAMIFLU is for the regular flu!" Rumsfeld shouted. "I want every American citizen fully stocked up with TAMIFLU this winter!"

 "Secretaries!" Rice elbowed between them. "Please!"

 Off to the side, Chertoff quickly popped the white and yellow TAMIFLU capsule in his mouth and promptly began choking. NBC finally had to cut to commercial.


 
The Health Report: Breaking News - Tom Cruise Bribed to Go Off Meds, Destroy Reputation
Oct 20 2005 by Kelly Mahan Jaramillo

In a special one hour interview with 60 Minutes' Mike Wallace, Psychiatrist Jack Barchas M.D., best known for discovering the biological basis of schizophrenia, told the shocking truth about the public meltdown of Tom Cruise.

 "Cruise was paid off," the straight-shooting seventy year old stated. "He'd been under psychiatric care and on the Wellbutrin/Trazadone combination for years. How do I know? I was his doctor."

 Wallace was momentarily speechless.

 "For sixteen years," Barchas continued, "I saw Mr. Cruise twice a week. It took time to find the right combination of medications, as he was borderline bipolar, but once we got him on Wellbutrin/Trazadone, he leveled out, and did beautifully. The medications worked wonders for a young man with a bright future ahead of him who'd been teetering on the edge."

 Barchas paused, shaking his head. "The Weapons of Mass Euphoria Team approached Mr. Cruise with an endorsement offer. He turned it down, didn't want his personal life exposed in an advertisement. They counter proposed - offering him 75 million dollars to go off his medication. What can I say? Does Tom Cruise need more money? I suppose it would be hard for anyone to say no to 75 million, but, look at the poor guy now.

 "Tom Cruise has gone insane. We've all seen every out-of-control frame. It's caused the public to completely reject alternative therapies, after seeing the behavior of the person who is against traditional Western medications. It's a brilliant tactic on the part of the WME, despite the tragic toll it has taken on Tom Cruise.

 "And the capper? After Mr. Cruise agreed to the proposal, every psychiatrist in the United States received a letter from the government stating that if Tom Cruise were to approach any of us requesting treatment, we were to turn him away or we would lose our license."

 "Have you spoken to Cruise since he stopped seeing you?" Wallace inquired.

 Barchas shook his head. "No. Last I heard he was at the WME Headquarters in Washington, screaming 'Show me the money!'"


The Health Report: White House Crisis - Medications Failing America!
Apr 27 2006 by Kelly Mahan Jaramillo
 
The latest scuttlebutt from inside the White House has a grim Dick Cheney pointing fingers at DHHS Secretary Michael Leavitt and WME Chief Resident Dr. Eudaimonia for President Bush's plunging approval rate.

 A record low of only 32% of Americans still believing President Bush is doing a good job had catapulted the Cabinet into action, frantically looking for who to blame.

 National Defense Secretary Condoleezza Rice finally discovered the core problem: Americans were not taking enough drugs. Although, at last count, millions of Americans were taking drugs they did not need, and thousands of people who did need medication found their prescription dosage had doubled, Rice insisted that the public was dangerously under-medicated and, consequently, still able to think for themselves.

 Rice stated strongly that Lunesta had not been pushed hard enough, despite its manufacturer, Sepracor, spending million dollars in late-night advertising, and an enthusiastic endorsement from the White House itself during the Katrina disaster.

 She also felt that the remaining loyal 32% of Americans needed to start taking testosterone, upping their aggression level and pushing their belief in both George W. Bush and Jesus onto anybody they encountered.

 "We've got to put our dissenters to sleep, and get our hardcore base working," Rice was demanding, said an anonymous informant.

 "We've got to kick those fundamentalist Christians in the ass, get them angry and rabid and get those numbers up," she reportedly snarled at Leavitt and Eudaimonia. "I just had a shot of testosterone myself, and I can tell you, this (expletive deleted) works! As for those moronic lefty Democratic numbnuts who thought John Kerry was a good choice? How about re-tooling the Lunesta strength a bit? Making it a teeny bit stronger? And don't screw it up like you did with the Ambien - people driving while still asleep and crashing their cars? A little too obvious, gentlemen. A little bit too obvious.

 "And a final suggestion? Tell people all medications are perfectly safe to take with an unlimited amount of alcohol."

 Rice then stalked out of the room, sucker punching Leavitt in the stomach as she exited.